INK Blurb
I’ve gone through an evolution of passion throughout my three years at Hotchkiss. As an eighth grader I participated in every musical and play that showed at my school, I was secretary of our Student Government, I was captain of my varsity cross country, varsity soccer and varsity lacrosse teams, and I maintained first honor roll throughout the entire year. To be honest, I was on top of the world. I was confident, spunky, outgoing and personable. I didn’t really have a passion because I enjoyed and was good at everything I did. But, then I came to Hotchkiss.
Of course the rigor of Hotchkiss academics and athletics was much higher than my school from home, but I knew that going in. I never thought it would affect me as much as it did. During my prep year I developed an anxiety disorder that took away a lot of my confidence and motivation. I wasn’t able to define myself at this school, because I wasn’t good at anything. Things I thought I was good at at home I realized I was barely JV level at here. Academic subjects that I never had to study for previously were causing me to stay up until midnight just to finish the work. Social interactions became rehearsed moments in my head that had to be executed perfectly to escape eternal embarrassment. Every day was a struggle, and everyday that I didn’t find my “passion” left me disappointed and even more anxious. I began to lose faith that I even had a passion, maybe I was meant to be mediocre at everything. This anxiety continued into my lower mid year, but I had learned now how to hide it, or reduce it. It wasn’t until my lower mid spring into upper mid fall that I finally started to overcome it.
It wasn’t until I started working on the farm.
In hindsight, one good thing that came from my anxiety was pushing myself to try new things. Although I did so by putting unhealthy amounts of pressure on myself to find something that I’m above average at doing, I tried everything I could, and a few of the things I tried I now really enjoy doing. One such thing was joining the Fairfield Farms Ecosystems and Adventure Team (FFEAT). The farm gave me a medium to overcome my anxiety that I will be forever indebted to. Working with my hands helped me release a lot of the nervous feelings I had hidden throughout the school day. Working in groups forced me to talk to people that I had never once interacted with, and to step out of my comfort zone with those people and trust that they wouldn’t judge me. Working all day harvesting and being able to see the result in the dining hall helped me feel needed and accomplished. Working in the fresh air allowed me to simply take a second and breathe. After two years of constant anxiety, I finally took a breath. And I felt so much better.
I kept going to the farm every day. I would sit on the porch before we started working, and breathe in the fresh air coming off of Beeslick Pond. I would look out into the pasture of cows grazing and listen to the farm sounds that never cease. There’s a constant song filled with instruments from the farm reaching from one end of its 270 acre body to the other.
After a full year of not really believing in passion, I have a lot of questions about what a passion is and how you know if you’ve found it. I’m good at farming, and I like doing it. If that makes farming my passion, then I’ve found it 100%.
